Many Attempt To Try

Done with Lily. Come now, if I tell you that I’m potentially suicidal, but you only get 2 of my 6 texts, and don’t respond nor tell me that you only got two, then why the fuck should I even consider you as one of my friends? 

I motherfucking made your day by going out of my way to go to your house, make you a card, give you a flower, and make you a CD. The least you could fucking do is tell me you didn’t get my whole text, or call me to see if I was okay, or, like everybody else, talk to me when I need you.

Jesus Christ are people really so dumb that they’d not respond to someone when they’re suicidal? BEST FRIEND no doubt.

In an unrelated story, Tiff is awesome as fuck, but I think I’m coming to love the idea of her, not necessarily her. This could be good or bad, depending on if she goes to Nevada this summer or not. I actually kind of doubt it, because she could find a job in SF, and she wants to do hella stuff with her friends. Considering she’s graduating, this may or may not be the last real time she has to spend with her friends if they go away for college.

Regardless, she makes me happy. Stayed up til 5am on Skype, for 6 hours. I really want to talk to her again because she’s really cool and I feel like I’ll never stop talking to her. She wants me to flirt with her, so she must like me or something, right? I think I like her, but I’d need to talk to her more to find out.

Oh well, I have a date with her, and her idea of a date is going to a record store. Did I mention this girl was awesome as fuck orrrrr…

Come on now Lily. If I ask you if we’re hanging out (hey you said that yesterday) and you say you don’t know if you want to hang out with more people other than Mary and Roberto, and it’s only me asking, I think I can shorten the list down to you having a problem with me hanging out. 

And now you don’t reply to my text messages and I actually have to talk to Maryela. But alas, you don’t respond and I can’t talk to her.

Sergio, stop asking me to buy you paint, fuck. I’m not going to buy it for you, no matter how many times you ask me. You specifically did not invite me to go painting, when I told you I wanted to go painting. You said you wanted me to have my own drive to paint. Bruh, that’s a fucking stupid excuse. I was going to buy you paint until you said you did it on purpose.

Fuck, I keep having this problem of making good friends with assholes and confusing motherfuckers. Especially since Lily is supposed to be my “best friend.” 

Shit, Sofia is the best friend I’ve had in a long ass time, but we don’t hang out or talk nearly enough, which sucks because she’s hella awesome and has literally been there for me every time I needed her. When I thought I was going to die, when I missed my final, when I just did a whole bunch of shit and felt like hell, she was there for me. Sofia is fucking awesome, and getting into graffiti. I’ve hung out with her for two years but I feel like I don’t know a lot about her. I’m changing that this summer.

God dammit Miguel, you just had to get in a relationship with the girl I’ve been trying to fuck for four months. I want to fuck that girl’s brains out.

I have been depressed every day this week so far.

My mind keeps saying I should go and see a therapist, but my logic tells me I should wait to do that after I bike a few miles.

I don’t know what to do. I need to stop liking you so I don’t hurt anybody. I need a vacation. I need a best friend. I need a girlfriend.

I need to lose this.

I broke up with Marissa on April 14.

I shotgunned Lily three times. 

She got a boyfriend, and I realized I really like her. This is about her.

I really want to be with you. We’re so fucking similar, and I never knew it, because I always treated you like shit. I mean, I schemed so hard to meet you, and I kept trying to impress you. I tried to be appreciated so much, that whenever I didn’t get it, I would get upset.

But I’m over the past. I think you are absolutely awesome. You make me feel not lonely. You are constantly on my mind. I keep waiting for your next text. I am glad we’ll find a therapist together or try to help each other through depression together. I  used to only want in your very hot pants, but I really want to cuddle with you and just do anything with you. I think you’re absolutely awesome, and I want to call you mine.

But I’m not going to be a homewrecker, especially to someone who is so good to you and an awesome guy in general. I’ll just make you as happy as you make me until something happens.

Got fined $300 a while ago, because of Torri. Fuck you Torri. “What do you want me to do about it?” Nothing, I guess, you need the money for your kid, faggot.

Marissa is being a fucking asshole. If I’m sad, why the hell don’t you try to cheer me up, instead of telling me that I could find another girl who doesn’t make me cry? Another girl who’d make me happy?

You realize that makes me feel like shit right? You can tell me that when I’m not sad and I’ll just tell you you’re the best thing ever.

I’m starting to think that that’s not true, since you constantly tell me to break up with you. Stop being a pussy, you do it, bitch.

Everyone thinks I challenge them or think I’m better than them too much.

Lily is an unintentional bitch. She really wants me to lose arguments, so she can rub it in my face. And she thinks my fetish is dumb as fuck, and apparently so do all of her friends and say it’s for pervs and rapists. I’m neither, I just like it, okay? Like you like women and you like guys? It’s the same thing.

Maryela, I regret doing anything with you. I really wish I could take it all back.

Hey, we broke up.

Not even three months, hung out once. You got drunk, I never fucked up.

With these cons, why do I feel so bad?

Many things are irking me at the moment.

First and foremost, Bryce is a fucking freeloading ass. He makes music to play exclusively in his Cadillac, and tries to pick up women. That, or tries to act like he’s hella hard, or hella cool, or some other lame bullshit like that. Grow the fuck up. If you’re not going to try to get better, or try to put your shit out there, or try to help me out, then get the fuck out. If you want to not pay $20 per song from now on because you’re a freeloader who can’t help a friend in need, then fuck you; I don’t need your shit.

Secondly, why does my girlfriend have to go and get drunk at a party, while her phone is dead? Why can’t she fucking tell me she’s drunk, why do I have to ask her if she got drunk for her to tell me? Why did she get so drunk that she had to spend the night at a guy’s house? Why the fuck can she do all of this but can’t fucking see me? Why does she tell me she won’t always do things that make me happy, but at the same time not fucking realize all the shit I’ve done for her to make her happy.

Third and last, why do I have to see my friend’s fucking headstone on Facebook? I realize it’s good for people to remember, but god dammit, I can’t handle my friend being murdered along with all this other shit going on in my life.

I can’t handle my friends being assholes. I can’t handle being abused. I can’t handle people not trying as hard as I am to make them happy. I can’t handle this place anymore, but I have nowhere to go.

Last night was crazy.

I had white rice, went to Torri’s house, waited for her parents to get home, and then drove to a school to smoke. We smoked and talked for a while, and then we went to the grocery store to get some food. 

She stole some chocolate bears, a pomegranate, and bagel bites. We were walking out the door, and then all of a sudden, this man in a Captain America shirt busts out in front of her and says “hey guys what’s up” and cuffs her. I just stood behind her watching it happen, when someone came up from behind me and put my hands behind my back.

They led us up these stairs to the back, and in the stairwell, the guy holding Torri was twisting her arm, but thought she was resisting. The guy put me in handcuffs. They were trying to put us in this room but they didn’t have keys to the door, so we waited outside for a bit, and then we went in.

They searched us, although I explicitly stated I did not consent to a search. He told me they were cops so it didn’t matter. They pulled my marker and my weed out, and I thought I was fucked for sure. I was pretty high so I didn’t take into account all the information of what was happening. Eventually they sat us down, and then started filling out paperwork or whatever. They moved us into another room, and finished their paperwork. 

They didn’t press charges and we were free to go, with all of the stuff back including the weed. We both just forgot about my marker though, which sucks because it was a really good ink mix, but oh well, I can get more. He escorted us out, and I gave him some weed for being so fucking cool. We went back to my house and just ate the rest of the rice I had.

After an hour of watching Futurama, I drove her home. We just chilled outside and she smoked more. At midnight, I went home and went to bed.

I cannot trust anyone.

“I may be able to hang out.” Bitch, I am not going to keep my day open for you if you won’t fucking let me know before 6PM. That is ridiculous.

Fuck you Debra. Really, I have helped your ass so many fucking times. Why do you want me not in your house? Oh that is right, because you are a shady cunt! 

Seriously, the only person who will probably not flake on me today is Jen, and that’s because we planned lunch. Now, I am just home, without anything to do, because my friends are idiots, and so are my friend’s parents.

First thing: I did not visit Alexis. Definitely cutting you out of my life, because you never talk to me or respond sometimes.

Secondly, I am so incredibly glad I visited Marissa. I like her so much, and we actually did cuddle. We did not fuck either, but close to it. I felt so bad for leaving, and I want to cuddle again.

I like that girl so much.

I am debating whether or not to even go anymore. I’m not sure if I like you or not, but I was really looking forward to seeing you, and finally being able to hold someone.

Of course, I thought it would actually happen. When will I ever learn that my plans will never work? 

I think I do like you though. Or maybe I am just disappointed in that nothing ever goes the way I plan, and it’s always a bad thing.

I really wanted to cuddle and fall asleep with you. 

-

And Alexis, if you do not care whether or not I’m visiting you, then I will probably just not fucking visit you.

I didn’t realize there are different types of cannabis. In any case, my bubba kush makes me tired as a mother fucker.

And I was so high last night that I felt like I was on a roller coaster. I fell to the floor and almost fell asleep. 

I’m high right now for the first time ever. This is pretty awesome, although now I see why people don’t like doing anything when they are high.

We are probably not hanging out Sunday, right Dey Dey?

Oh well, I am probably going to do shrooms sometime. My whole perspective on everything pretty much changed a few weeks ago, and now I really do not give a flying fuck about almost anything. 

Friends are the only thing that still burn me.